Even when blindfolded, when touched just fleetingly we often recognize the emotion behind it. Even when touched by a stranger. Those touched in the study could identify the emotion (from eight, ranging from disgust to sympathy) more often than could happen by chance. Yet they
More surprising to me, is that we are more likely to guess the right emotion that’s being expressed by someone’s touch than we can by hearing their voice or seeing their facial expression.
These three findings may startle you too:
• Men tended to avoid touching the face “and then only to express
anger or disgust at women and sympathy for other men.
• Women touched faces frequently to express anger, sadness and disgust for both (genders) “and to convey fear and happiness to men.”
We have a deep hunger human contact. Touch is the most direct, visceral path of contact with one another.
Yet Americans are among the most touch-adverse of all cultures, except with our closest family and friends.
In fact, increasingly schools have formal a Hands Off policy. “Even high-fiving and pats on the back have been outlawed” so we can protect youth from violence. The lesson, learned at an early age, is that adults would rather protect them from a problem (bullying and other violence) than help them with an opportunity (closeness and friendship). It’s easier to manage.
I can’t help but wonder if this cultural phobia is connected to the rise in loneliness. This is worth closer study as loneliness may be as dangerous to one’s health as smoking.
Even smiling keeps us better connected with each other. In fact, just from looking at a yearbook photo, one can predict with some accuracy whether a person will divorce later in life,” claims Matthew Hertenstein, Director of the Touch and Emotion Lab at DePauw University.
But let’s end on an up note.
“Men soothe their loneliness with computers, women do it with pets,” says the co-author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, John Cacioppo. In addition to his loneliness-relieving “make friends” tips why not literally get in touch more often every day?
Mind you, I still get itchy just thinking about popular Leo Buscaglia’s well-intended notion that we should greet everyone with a bear hug, including strangers. (“You can’t wrap love in a box, but you can wrap a person in a hug.“) Hugging everyone one meets negates the notion of touch having special meaning.
Yet why not hug your friends – and those to whom you are instinctively drawn? Shake hands with a smile when greeting colleagues.
As my Dad says, you seldom know if this time will be the last time you see that person.
Let’s stay in touch.
Interesting article. I can’t disagree with it, but I don’t feel really comfortable touching. I had a boss once who liked putting his arm around me as we walked and talked. He probably didn’t even realize he was doing it, but it drove me crazy. My parents were never very touchy-feely, and maybe that’s why I am the way I am. The part that has me wondering is…should I be concerned about the fact that I’m not concerned?
Paul
I guess my sort cheeky response is this – you seem to be in touch with what feels best to you about being touched – and why + you know others have different feelings about touching and being touched – so you don’t “need” to change or learn anything more except perhaps being comfortable with your knowledge and also finding ways to avoid being touched by acquaintances that don’t make you or that person feel awkward.
Interesting Kare. I am one of those people who love being touched and like to touch. When I communicate often times I will touch a shoulder (briefly) or an arm to make a point and make a connection, but never the face (I am a man). I like it when people do the same when I am talking to them, but I believe I can tell when it isn’t sincere. I am that way at home with my children. When I talk I feel I need to reach out and touch and hug.
I also consider myself someone with high emotional intelligence, though I haven’t ever been tested. I wonder if there is a correlation between emotional intelligence and the need to touch and be touched? It makes sense if you are trying to constantly gauge ones emotions.
– Mike Rogers
Mike
The emotional intelligence stems from empathy – a capacity to notice what the other person wants – whether touching (if and how) makes them feel more or less comfortable when around you.
Just as our first instinct is to give what we want to receive, rather than stepping outside ourselves and into another’s shoes – EQ involves thinking/feeling about the other person.
Now we learn that a woman’s touch on the shoulder of a man – or a woman – emboldens that person to take more risks. Mysteriously (to me anyway) a man’s touch does not have that affect on women or men.
“The researchers draw a line between this finding to previous research on how a woman’s touch affects an infant, making the child feel more secure and comfortable. It’s entirely possible that a woman’s touch works the same on adults—making them feel more secure and willing to take risks.”
Read more here http://pss.sagepub.com/content/early/2010/04/16/0956797610369493.abstract
http://trueslant.com/daviddisalvo/2010/05/17/how-a-womans-touch-can-make-you-risk-it-all/
This article provides a lot to think about in regards to those around me. My family are not big huggers, but we do hug. Especially my 3 boys – grown men. My daughter is the only one who isn’t much of a hugger/toucher. Now I wonder why?
Reaching out and touching someone on the arm while talking seems like a natural thing to do; but I guess it isn’t for everyone.